I suck at life. A lot.

I honestly think I would be better if a.) I were really hot and had a nice rack or b.) I were extremely outgoing and talkative.

Boo.

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Really, really Christian people freak the shit out of me. Especially when they're Asian.

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A question was posed to me: Cheese or oral sex -- which could you not live without?

Is that even a question?

Cheese. Mozzarella. Gouda. Swiss. Provolone. Fontina.  Parmigiano reggiano. Cheddar. Feta. Brie. Velveeta. String. Cake. Danish. Fondue. Cheese is always available. Always delicious.

Oral sex, you say? Is oral sex always delicious?

I think not.

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I used to want to be a banker when I grew up.

Thank you, Oregon Trail.

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Whenever you say you are fat and that you can no longer fit into your size 6 pants, a little bit of me resents you. Actually, a large chunk. I kind of want to shove Oreos (the Double Stuf kind) and deep-fried Twinkies down your throat.

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Every time I see an old, tan Volvo driving around on the streets, I am reminded of you. I stop intentionally and stare into the driver's side to see if it's you.

Asshole.

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